I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
You have amazing self restraint. If there was one thing I could learn from you, that wouldn't be it. I love my life as it is.
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
I just want him to go down on me while I eat a burger. Is that too much to ask?
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
