I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
Blacked out last night, but left myself a note that said "oops on oops on oops" that can never be a positive
As the bouncer was escorting you out, you yelled "keep your filthy dick beaters off me!"
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
Just saw the bridesmaid use her new sister in law as a stripper pole
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
My hangover headache is somewhere in the Harry Potter scar neighborhood. I can now empathize with that poor bastard.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
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