i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
Yo I'm texting you while getting a bj. I know, I'm the man. Told her I was texting my mom in the hospital.
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
i don't know what part of 'duct tape bikini waxes' seemed even a little okay in our drunk minds, but i'm never drinking with your sister again
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
I AM A HOUSE CAT. I CANNOT DO THIS LION BUSINESS WE CALL THE SINGLE LIFE
So uh. Your future in porn. Would you be willing to wear an alien costume for it?
Mimosas make me so tired. I just ordered a huge thing of pasta and gonna eat it in my underwear like a bad bitch
Randomize
