that john and kate plus 8 dude has ruined asians for me
my life trainwreck boards at 9:30
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
Wanna tell me why vodka seeped out of the memory foam when I climbed into my bed?
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Ok roommate is officially weird. Just watched her microwave the same broccoli 3 times in a row and cry b/c she fucked it up. Wtf lol
You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
How long do I have to listen to him talk about the chickens before telling him I just really want to fuck? Note: it's already been twelve minutes.
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
