That's the last time I fill my pockets with sushi.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
He went three whole days without making a star wars reference, of course he got sex
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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