My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I fink we're distracting them from bumping the proverbial uglies
it was like my fingers were behind enemy lines
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
mowing the lawn. still drunk. If my dad doesn't appreciate this I swear I'm dissowning everyone including him
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
Randomize
