Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
My ex best friend's ex fuck buddy is visiting. There was no other option but day drinking.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
Also, putting laundry hampers on my head and pretending I'm an astronaut is a good way to get caught in every door frame in the house.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Rough day
Good thing I've started drinking again
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
