I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy
sounds legit
yea pretty sure we followed the trail of your spaghetti-o vomit to find the car
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
If i need to get strippers involved i will.
I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.
I bet he'd be real motivational during sex. And he'd probably make you call him superman.
The date officially concluded on the phrase "Nosh dat vag".
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
let your parents know i'm sorry i ran around the house pretending their metal detector was a "booze detector"
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