someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.
my self respect just called, its having a good time without me
Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?
New life rule, no banging opera singers. I might be a little deaf now
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
It was like Lady and the Tramp, but just tramp and the tramp. And instead of spaghetti and meatballs, we had whiskey and cups
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