Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I told him he wasn't aloud to one word text me. Unless that one word was threesome
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
Turns out he's not a Doctor Who fan, I mumbled Alons-y as I went down on him. He asked who Alan was. No more drunk sex for me!
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
It was weird, it was like my heart got a boner. Is this being an adult?
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