I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
He was like an artic tracker. Walked ten paces from the tree, then 15 paces from the mailbox, dug down in the snow, and pulled up the case of beer he hid from his parents out there. It tasted like ice cold success.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
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