Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
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Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"
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bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
Just spent 10 minutes washing away my own puke. This gas station lady loves me.
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm perplexed as to why anyone on this planet is straight
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