I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
I cut my penus on the lid.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt
That literally makes no sense
Exactly
we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.
Sometimes I actually rage on Tuesday, come back, and do homework drunk and pull an all nighter.
Guys always stop talking to me right around the point that if they bought me food a couple times I would probably have sex with them.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
How does one acquire holy water?
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
She took me into the bathroom and force fed me a panini, it was pretty good.
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
Randomize
