She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
There is a pube in my fucking eyeball
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
I lost the bet. I now have to do all chores sans clothing of any kind. I give it a week before I'm knocked up...
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
He took me out, we slept together, and he sent me home this morning with fresh cantaloupe. #husbandstatus
but I truly enjoy making out with my best friend more than my boyfriend
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
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