grandma shit on top of the toilet
I'm so over stopping myself from talking about my sexual experiences in front of children.
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
Well anyways I still cant believe I don't remember such a monumental day in history as you showing me your boobs... Jesus
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
How was jagerbomb pong?
It was like communism. Great in theory. Terrible when put into practice
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Randomize
