Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
stop calling my apartment porn island.
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
I woke up and watched my kitten suck on his nipple. Way too hungover to intervene. He thought it was me, so he just giggled and mumbled "mmm girl."
Seriously? God I hope he wasn't lactating.
......... Poor kitty
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
I don't know. Sometimes you can be a wild card with your emotions. Mostly the emotion known as anger.
Sorry about the Christmas balls dude. At the time I thought they were festive as fk but I see now I've just spent too much time on the internet
I almost stopped mid bj to let him know I appreciated his balls being nice to look at/have my face near. But I didn't know if that would ruin, or improve the moment.
Randomize
