I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend
He uses pillows to masturbate.
a fat lady just tried to bring a cooler stuffed full with burger kid through airport security. christ I'm going to miss the midwest.
this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?
When black out puking doesn't involve crying and promises to never get drunk again... to just a subtle, 'excuse me while I go vomit in the bathroom of this bar'.. you know you've finally grown up.
When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.
Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
Shit dude that sort of wholesale destruction can't just be done at the drop of a hat
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
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