Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20
When he pulled it out last night I asked if that was as hard as it was going to get. I think I may have offended him.
I just saw my 7th grade teacher at the club. We had a pretty good talk over drinks. Turns out we both like dancing on tables.
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I worry about your feelings an awful lot for somebody who gets off on making you cry
your mission the party friday: cockblock me at ALL costs. I've cheated on my boyfriend twice. I feel like three times would be crossing some sort of line...
and no, I don't care how how hot he is
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