omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
hey what are you doing
hooking up with some marlborough girl. shes gorgeous!
i texted you because i like you, and i told my freinds you were my fiance. but sine we're not dating you're not cheating and i'm pathetic
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
I think my cats understand what porn is. And it's all my fault.
If sitting in the car passing a flask back and forth because the bar we go to is having some power issues on Christmas eve isn't Christmas spirit, then I don't know is.
My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language
It's pretty fantastic. I just wanna know how your bra ended up in the aquarium the other night.
Omg just opened my passenger side door and my outfit from last night is on the floorboard.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
Drink. Fuck. Waffle House. Repeat.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Randomize
