Sucks about the cops last night
to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Drunk Tina signed up to be part of the crew team and got a text from the captain telling her there's practice tomorrow. Wtf
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
not now. havin a heart to heart with drunk fred flinstone
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
Do you think the firemen will remember me?
Yes. But you were sloppy, sobbing, and puked on two of them. You won't get in their pants.
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
