I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
The bar is so dead the tender gave us free shots for staying. They mixed 2pac and phil collins. That's worth at least three shots.
How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
She announced her abortion via fbk
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
can you come get me at the bar
ill be there in 10 min
can we stop off at build a bear on the way home
My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
I don't know whether to be insulted or flattered that I am being propositioned to have a threesome only if I wear my cat onesie
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
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