dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
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she smells like cat throw up and cupcakes. i'm trying to focus on the cupcakes but it's really. hard.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
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Sex obviously provides more sustenance than oatmeal.
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
My phone just said I texted someone at 430a and said let's fight. Then I texted them an hour later and said thanks.
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
Newest quarantine problem - I’ve watched all of the porn. Like everything on the the internet, all the DVDs, mags, VR, leisure suit Larry all of it and I’m still horny af
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