you went around and groping mens pants to see "which was worthy" of you to go home with.
dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
yeah I had to wear a fucking diaper from work home so I didn't get the shitty squirts all over my cars seats it was fucked
It has now been 10 days since we last saw Sebastians penis
he told me he liked me . I thought we were just fuck buddies . This ruins everything!
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
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