I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
Its alot like that time you got motorboated by the carni at the rodeo.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
So you let the Viking explore your nether regions?
It was after I slept with him he tells me he's a juggalo
Well it was nice knowing him
I think vodka/water/skittles totally beats your crystal light mimosas
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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