Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him
conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
you yelled then hung up at the girl on information bc she could not pinpoint your location and tell you how to get to dennys
yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Dude how did you get resin on my keyboard?
just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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