It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I woke up with pitch black feet and crushed doritos around my mouth. That's how I determined how my night went
I just hooked up with the German exchange student who doesn't speak English. And you said I have no talent.
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
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