i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Dude I was fucking my girl on the couch and her dog came up and licked my balls. Does that mean we just had a threesome?
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Disgusting. If I saw her naked my dick would pack up his balls and leave.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
I thought my life was going to shit but then I read about Amanda Bynes and I realize it's not so bad
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
it was an ACCIDENT
it was a DICK
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
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