At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
Being hungover naked and coloring my hair. I guess I am not naked I have black latex gloves on. Give me a call.
im coming over.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
I have a drinking game planned. Were gunna watch empire records. Everytime they say rex manning we have to take a shot
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
It is officially settled in my mind that fuck the hot grad student is THE goal this year
I'm laughing at the fact that I'm at Target right now buying vitamins and alcohol.
Randomize
