Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve
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this is you don't wonder off at 3 am with no pants on. Just stay there and pray to god you don't get arrested for being on school property.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
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I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
I'm not sure New Orleans is real. Even the grocery stores sell vodka.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
Do you remember trying to sleep under the pool table while wearing a reflective vest?
Nope.
You kept saying you had to be safe.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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