Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer
my step dad just called me a drunken slut..someone in my family finally understands me
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
just once i'd like to actually BE there for your crazy drunk stories instead of just getting the play-by-play by people who can't remember half of it
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
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