Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.
I woke wondering who the hell was in my bed. Then i felt boobs and remembered Haha. Thirsty Thursday killed my liver and my homosexuality
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours
Well now you know my birthday fantasy: gangbang consisting of men wearing NPR pledge t-shirts.
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
