thanks...oh and i got my period
told you
oh hush
We've been broken up for 7 months. His mom sent me a card with a brochure inside titled "How at Risk for STD's are you?"
And at least you didn't have a dinner of Ranch Pringles and Double Stuff Oreos. I forgot that part of being single.
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
"So you think you can dance" turned into "so you think you can run and slide across the bar"...Jack Daniels wins
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
He sent me a mirror pic of himself and sent it to me and all i could think about was the amazing bong hits i took with his roommate in that bathroom.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
I have never paid for drugs and I'm sure not going to start today especially on a holiday
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
