nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
Ima go for a jog. and I'm going to jog until I throw up a lung. then I'll crawl home.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
She just kept screaming and saying "fucking you is like fucking a mountain"
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
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