id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
Theres a handprint of sauce on my frig, one streaked across my face, a trail of it to my bedroom and sauce all in my bed and i have no idea what the fuck i ate.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
My liver just had a heart attack.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
He called some chick he used to fuck for cash to get food delivered to cheer me up
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Randomize
