I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
I had to explain to an ER nurse that I burned my dick playing onion ring toss today, your social awkwardness hardly compares.
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
