haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
will you please stage a drunk girl intervention and tell him that his chain is severely harming his chances of getting laid tonight?
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
I have to pee in a cup in the morning and they are going to say....you just peed a miller light. I'm going to hang my head in shame and say yes...yes I did.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
