I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
He turned me down because he was still doing his taxes.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
They figured our he was high when he told the manager he wanted a break to go wrap his dick in toliet paper and pretend it was a ghost.
There is nothing wrong with me introducing you as elephant dick. Nothing.
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
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