When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
Please stop leaving drunk voicemails with your new black/Irish accent.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
Sext me about skeletons
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
Randomize
