She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
There was a fucking SNAKE in the urinal. WHAT THE FUCK
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.
I don't even want to know
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
We should have a bouncer at the top of our stairs asking the guys we bring home for ID...
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
The housekeeper found my huge dildo under the bathroom sink, and another in the living room. I can't get much more single than this.
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
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