Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.
you are insane
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink
Oh man I'm using the bubble wrap that wraped my new vibrator to wrap my dads fathers day gift
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
Why is it that every study session with you turns into a hunt for drugs?
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
I never thought that at some point in my life I would end up in the back of a cop car dressed as Pumba #HakunaMatata
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
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