My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We're so stoned that were both cuddling on the couch and crying over Forest Gump while eating popcorn. She asked me if I'd fuck away the sadness. I think she's serious.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
Lesson learned:nothing good comes from an at home wax kit.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
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