sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I'm up to 9 pic of different guys. I need 4 more boys and each one of the 13 to submit 3 additional pics. I wanna make a penis deck of cards.
I just want to curl up with him and brush his hair and sing love songs together, I think you should come over and end this
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
That's how I like my men: traumatized and crying in a ball
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
I smelled him yesterday and almost relapsed he's like cocaine
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
Your boobs stole my birthday thunder!
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
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