Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.
did she really put a helmet on, try to make a hole in the wall then pass out on the floor ten minutes later? if thats true ill be there in 15
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
I need a drink and a shade of lipstick that will put the fear of God in a man's heart.
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Randomize
