4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
Forgot to mention...Pamela Anderson has HPV, so i feel like im in good company
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
Just got smoked out by my boss. Working in politics is great.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
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