I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
I changed my mind about Tim Gunn. I like him now. Mostly because he said someone's dress looks like a gay t-rex. Or something.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
dude, she masturbates with a ken doll.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
I was just informed that you are the reason for my 2 missing front teeth.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
i may have given a gay guy with a mohawk my number last night that said... "you are straight" omg so glad a whole year til my next birthday... also i hit myself in the face with a car door. nice.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
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