Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
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I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Good idea. You gotta take care of your vagina. She takes care of you. Pay it forward.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
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If making out with three guys at once at a Kesha concert while simultaneously smearing glitter all over yourself doesn't convince her you're gay, nothing will
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
I need to stop getting drunk and telling people it isn't "about them."
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
"I mean like shit happens" should never be an excuse for anything
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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