Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.
I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
Ah well. Drinking wouldn't be drinking without mystery bruises
Agreed.
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Lady Gaga is doing the 1/2 time show. I hope it's gay and liberal as fuck.
When I meet her I'm going to have to resist the urge of saying "hey! We're Eskimo sisters!"
I woke up with a jacket; in it passport, hockey tickets, sunglasses, credit card, bank transactions
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
