everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
I hope you realize that its not me making that decision, but rather the combination of my genitals and sexual orientation
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
I don't know if the fact that I carry lube in my purse means I'm living life right or I'm doing it wrong..
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
I have peed in a lot of sinks
Drunk. Send nudes. Just curious.
Randomize
