So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
the guy in front of me just bought a pound of bacon, a bouquet, and a case of budlight, i want to see THAT makeup sex
Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.
SHE has hooked up with both me and my sister. I don't even know what to say. If she goes for my parents next I may have to kill her
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
It's one of those "I can't stand you but we're stuck in the same hotel room tonight so let's fuck until one of us passes out" kind of nights.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
Is it bad when your own grandmother calls you a whore?
I’m turning 34 on Friday and I feel like the only thing I’ve accomplished in life so far is getting into pissing matches with clients
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