Too much gin, very little bucket
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.
Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.
Made up a full house drinking game
On my way.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
She pretty much spent NYE measuring dicks, trying to decide which one to take home.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
Randomize
