i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
Would it be bad if I bought her bread, meat, cheese, and stuff as her christmas present so she can make me a sandwich?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
We're too hungover to prance.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
Randomize
