I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
At a straight bar and poker face just came on...must...resist....urge to gay it up
Why would that come on at a straight bar? I thought they just played Don't Stop Believin and Wonderwall on repeat
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
mom found the triscuts in her underwear drawer, its done.
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
The dopest dose you'll ever dose. I felt like an octopus all of thursday
No, absolutely not. If you see that cunt, throw confetti or eggs at her.
That's a pretty extreme jump from confetti to eggs
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
My greatest accomplishment today was eating a box of Thai food the size of a toddler.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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