Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
the doctor brought back painful memories by lecturing me about your teeth marks that are still on my dick.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.
Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Also the McRib is back. Lets get high, dress like cowboys, and eat some McRibs.
Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
This guy on the tube is sooooooo high. Eyes are bloodshot and he's licking his headphone cords.
The parents I babysit for are at this orgy. I need to leave.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
