DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug
Watching that soccer game was like getting kicked in the crotch for an hour and half and then coming right at the end.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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